why do i hate the cold weather???

because its sick season....

i have the stomach flu. i bet there are TONS of others out there sick as well...

boo i say. boo to sickness.

and as fast as i date 'em... i lose 'em too....

logan broke up with me. he has no idea what this is so i'm venting on this. sorry its another one of those "poor me" vents and i need it. so don't read it.... i'm ok with it.

i loved logan. correction, i still love him. i dream about the boy. my heart feels like i'm on a roller coaster thats going down when i see him. when he held me i never felt safter. when he'd kiss me, i forgot everything and anything i was mad at. when i was around him i'd have the time of my life. just knowing he was mine gave me such a warm happy feeling that shined through my face, it'd bring a smile on my face just to talk about him, and i did this often. sometimes thats all i did.

it almost seemed perfect.

but, like i've been having to learn, nothing is.

logan has only had one other girlfriend. this girl was controling, needy, bitchy, and just plain out horrible to him. i've heard countless stories about her from not just logan, but from his friends and family. everyone that cares for logan hated or still hates her. she broke his heart so badly before me... and he swore to himself that he'd never get into a relationship where he was treated like that ever.

so then he and i start dating. and at first its wonderful. i'm my dorky self and it gets serious... and for once i like that. i fell head over heads, guard down in love with him.

and he told me he did. everything was right in the world for me.

but then a side of logan came out that destroyed me. he was a very jelous guy, he told me this from day one... but i never realized how jelous he is.

first it was guys that he felt were flirting with me, then guys he felt i was flirting with. this is probably valid... simply because its me, i flirt with everyone, and i don't hide that. thats how i interact with people and for me as long as i have no motive behind this... i don't see it as wrong. that was an idea that logan couldn't grasp.

then it became where i was when he wasn't around. although he swore to me up and down he was ok with me doing something while he was in night class or work, if i was to actually do something it would piss him off and make me feel really really guilty for doing it.

next my daily upkeep went into inspection. if i looked too cute for something he was not at, he was worried i had a reason behind this... like for a boy or something. i tried telling him girls like looking cute for themselves, but he didn't buy it.

he started restricting me slowly on things that i could and couldn't do. who i could and couldn't talk to. what i could and couldn't wear. he never flat out told me any of this (except for two boys that i was told not to talk to) but he'd make it quite clear if i did something he did not like... and i learned not to do that.

why did i put up with this? because i was so scared to lose him... more scared of losing him than to lose myself. i would have dropped everything for him, and i felt like he'd do the same for me.... i mean thats what love it... right?

wrong. well maybe, but i don't think you have to drop everything, its just knowing you would.

well logan would not drop anything for me.

he would not stay a night in omaha for me because he didn't want to. he would not meet the people i am friends with in peru because of any instance that last year they crossed paths and they were mean to him. he would not step out of his comfort zone for me.

well seeing how i couldn't go anywhere without him, and he didn't want to meet my friends. the only thing i would ever do would be to hang out with his friends. now don't get me wrong i love his friends to death. they are a lot of fun to be around and i pretty much always had a great time hanging out with them. but i missed my friends.

logan didn't get this. it started to make me depressed and i could feel myself getting into that groove. i knew i had to do something.

with all of this on top of my shoulders days went on. last monday there was a party that was being thrown by my friends, and he and i were personally invited. they wanted to meet him and figured this be the best way to. i asked him, i begged him to go... and he didn't want to. he told me he didn't want to hang out with those people. so i asked him if at least i could go, it was a dress up party and i really wanted to dress up.

he told me i could go. i went.

the entire time people kept asking me where he was. i was so hurt to tell them he didn't want to go and i could tell the people there were hurt too.

the next day, tuesday, i confronted him on this matter, and he told me yet again he didn't want to meet them. he didn't want to be around people that were asses to him. i told him everyone deserves a second chance and he disagreed.

so finally i snapped. i told him i wanted him to think.

think if i am worth it to him to step outside his comfort zone for me. think if he loves me enough to want to see me happy. think if he would do anything for me.

i had already proved this to him that i'd do all of that for him... and so i should at least get that same in return. i wasn't asking for much, at least i didn't think so.

i thought this would open his eyes. i thought this would make him think... you know what, she is right. i want to be with her and she is enough for me to at least try.

but i was wrong.

right away he looked me straight in the face and told me he didn't need to think about anything.

lets just not be together.

and with that... he was gone.

since we broke up i have not been proud of how i've been acting. since we broke up i have had a pain in my chest. its gone down to now it only hurts when i breathe in deeply. every now and then something will remind him of me, and instead of smiling like it use to make me, i can't get happy for quite some time. i've stopped crying over it. i pretty much cried as much as i possibly can.

i guess its true that everyone needs that really big hurtful heart break before they can move on and find someone to really love them.

but right now i'm wondering it the sayings true...

cause i kinda wish i was never loved at all.
candice

i'm skipping english. he doesn't take attendance and i've gotten an A or A+ on all my work for this class. i love small colleges.... really really easy.

but anyway...

i still hate show choir. we had tour and if it wasn't for logan, i would have spent the entire time by myself. but on the bus i really thought about it... and what everyone told me....

there is a kid in our show choir, joe, and everyone makes fun of him. he looks a little odd, almost like he has a mental problem.... and he doesn't exactly know personal boundaries. everyone behind his back calls him cj... or creepy joe. i'll admit, i took part in this only because it did make sense. well everyone in his room was trying to figure out a way to get him out of the room or to sleep in a different room, no one wanted to stay in the same bed as this kid, and i actually found this pretty mean. well on the bus while we were driving place to place joe sat by his lonesome, just watching movies on his labtop or listening to music.... occasionally he'd talk to logan and myself, if we were awake lol. but then the second day bright and early, he called his dad and i listened to the conversation.

he told his dad he was having a wonderful time. he told his dad that he is so happy he is in the group and to be around all these great people.... these great friends. it broke my heart.

i know he's not stupid. i know he can tell people make fun of him. i know that he sees people don't want him around. but yet he still thinks the world of everyone here. he is so happy when someone shows him just an ounce of kindness... thats all he asks for.

he truely is worse off than me and yet i was so blinded by my own disrespects that i couldn't even look at this in another persons eyes. if i was in joes shoes i wouldn't be strong enough to go through with it.... and yet he does everyday.

it really made me think more than anything.

i'm staying with show choir.... i feel like a selfish idiot for being to wrapped up in my problems and thinking they were so much worse than anyone could imagine. they weren't.... they aren't.

i just had a really big pill to swallow and i was refusing. now it seems a lot smaller in comparason.

so i'm sorry to anyone that read my previous blog.... and i made feel bad for me.... don't because i don't deserve it.

i was just venting. ignore it.
candice.

oh and ps
http://flickr.com/photos/clemente/sets/72157594354797589/

that is pictures of show choir....

and here...

that is logan and i.... well and chase in the background lol. this is during tour. now you all know who i'm dating (that don't have facebook) lol

the death of my love.....

xanga.... i feel like i use you. but this is the one thing that isn't taken over by my college.... peru hasn't found this..... so i feel safe venting to you.

i never thought i'd say this... i never thought that i'd feel this way... i didn't think it was possible for me of all people. but it happened.

i hate show choir.

as much as i loved high school show choir. as much as i loved middle school show choir. as much as i love grade school show choir (yes, 5th grade i was in show choir), i hate college show choir that much.

i dread going to practice. i can get myself to be excited. while i'm there all i do is help the drummer set up because he actually likes me. during practice i find myself staring at the clock begging for it to be over or to get out early. i don't have any meaning for the songs, i don't have any personal enjoyment practicing the steps. the only time i'm happy is when i get to leave.... i don't even say goodbye to anyone... i help the drummer pack up his stuff and then jet out of there.

it breaks my heart to not be able to enjoy it. i loved show choir so so much. i think to be apart of millard west show choir you had to love it. i cried so hard at our last performances because i was so scared i'd never get the feeling of belonging ever again. i felt like i was apart of something in show choir and that feeling means more to me than i could ever try to explain. i loved the people.... i loved the outfits, even the damn orange pants. i loved the early bus rides to and the late bus rides back from competitions. i loved competitions. i loved camp. i loved long practices where all we'd do was work on a few little moves so we looked perfect. i loved the sound. i loved the make up. i loved the host rooms. i loved the clinic, or in my words clinician. i loved it all. i loved how there were people in there that loved you. even if there were rivals... i felt like millard west show choir was a group.... was a unit.

but here.... its them... and its me. i know i should take it as they are just jealous.... that it should be a compliment that i pose a threat to them... but i can't. we had the festival here a few days ago and i wanted to cry so hard because it made me remember that was the first place i really really fell in love with it all. but now here i am apart of that i can't stand it. the clinician guy that came and worked with the kids pulled me aside and told me how much he could tell i loved performing on stage. that he couldn't get enough of watching me on stage because i rose above it all. i wanted to cry because i didn't feel it. i know how to fake performing like i love it because i remember what it was like. but i don't get that rush anymore. i don't get excited to perform the show. the only reason i work so hard is so i still have something to my name in this group. if i didn't perform at the level i do then it'd be no problem for me to just drop out of it.... or be kicked out of it.

i want to quit. i never ever thought that was possible for me to want to quit singing and dancing in a group but i do. i can't wait for this year to be over. i can't wait till i don't have to be in misty blues anymore. i wont miss it this summer. last summer i dreamed of show choir. i would have all these dreams of being apart of it again and i was so excited to make the show choir. i was so happy to be apart of it.

but its gone. there is not a feeling left in me that loves it. i want to so badly but i can't.

it hurts so badly. i feel so stupid and dumb and pathetic saying that but it hurts to not be able to love something i use to love more than anything.

please, to those of you who were once in show choir and aren't in it anymore please tell me it worth it to stay in it. tell me you miss it even if you don't.

time to say goodbye....
Candie

this new xanga is way intimidating...

anyway.

i love college. i have a great time and i am doing well in my classes, plus its fall... and peru is BEAUTIFUL in the fall, its the reason i wanted to go there.

but the best part is meeting people.

the people on campus are so diverse, which i really didn't think was going to happen because i was going to such a small school. but i have met people that have already impacted my life. they are a lot of fun and really insightful, but yet i haven't found anyone to take place of my hometown friends that i MISS LIKE CRAZY.

however, i did meet someone. if you are not on the facebook wagon, then you don't know... but i'm dating a guy named logan.

he's already changed my life. i've never fallen for someone the way i've fallen for this kid. normally in relationships i don't get excited to just sit and look into their eyes, i don't get a rush from just holding their hand, i don't really let my guard down. i tried not letting my guard down for logan. i tried to hold myself back and not like him that much in the start so i wouldn't get hurt. i was so sick and tired of being hurt that i couldn't take it anymore. i seriously thought that i just wasn't meant to be with someone who honestly cared about me. i figured that no one was ever going to look at me the way my friend's boyfriends look at them. the day logan and i realized we had something i told mellissa that i was just giving up. she told me not to and to just wait for some guy to see something in my eyes, and who would treat me the way i should be treated. i didn't even know how i was suppose to be treated.

but then i found logan. we have a couple classes together and i always thought he was super cute, but i figured i was out of his league because he was this artistic rocker guy who wouldn't waste his time on some preppyish party girl like myself. well one sunday night one of our mutual friends invited me to go out and watch them play guitar outside the student center. after a couple hours we went back to a friends house with a few other people, and we were all just talking and whatnot. finally around 4 in the morning we get back to campus to help a girl who got really drunk at the friends house. logan didn't have a jacket on and it was freezing out so i was trying to warm him up when he stopped me and looked right at me. i finally had a guy look at me that way. the next day he asked me out.

i couldn't be more happy.

i'm telling you girls right now.... don't believe that "lets be friends first" bullshit. guys are trying to pull a fast one on you when they say this that way they can get a little action without being tied down. guys who want to test it out before actually making it offical are assholes and need to be kept far far away from you. don't let yourself be made a fool by that... because you wont realize what happened until they tell you that it doesn't look like it will work out, and then after a couple days of not talking you see what they did, and you'll feel like an idiot.

guys... don't pull that bullshit. its stupid and mean. be honest. don't play with a girl saying that you aren't sure if you want to be in a relationship if you really have no intention of so. word will get around of what you did to that girl and eventually it will catch up with you.

sorry needed to get that out of me... back to logan...

he is everything i've been looking for. i've always felt like i had to be something when i'm in a relationship... i never really felt 100% myself. i always felt like i needed to cut back on this or that or be a little more this or that... and i was always scared i'd do something stupid or dorky or just anything that would turn the guy away from me. but with logan i am totally myself and he can't get enough of it. i can sing at random times, and he will join right in. i can color for him, and he will hang it up on his wall. i can dance stupidly and he will dance right next to me. i can make funny faces and he makes them right back at me. i can wake up without any make up on, in sweats and a hoodie, hair all a mess, and he looks at me and smiles and tells me i'm the most beautiful thing hes ever seen... and he means it. i have someone that treats me better than i ever imagined a guy could treat me. i'm pretty sure that my dream guy doesn't even compare to him because i didn't think a guy like logan existed. i'm attracted to him on every level there is to be attracted to someone. it feels like i've known him forever, and i feel so safe and comfortable and happy when i'm with him.

the funny thing is... he seriously thinks hes the lucky guy. he told me last night that i'm perfect. that even the things that make me unperfect he finds perfect and wouldn't want to change them. he told me that he couldn't believe he had someone as wonderful as me. and then he just held me, and he doesn't know this but i started to tear up because i couldn't believe he thinks this about me.

i know i'm bragging... i know i'm babbling... i know i need a picture of him... but its nice to finally put a happy xanga post up. i haven't in a long time.

but how is life for you?
candie